One of my favorite authors is SARK. I found a poster by her in a book store my freshman year at Purdue, and it was instant love. I own most (maybe all) of her books, and recommend them to people often. I love her liberal use of color, that she has a joyful handwriting style, and she’s willing to put herself out there, sharing her successes and failures, her fears and frustrations, as well as her uplifting stories.
So a few weeks ago, in her newsletter, I read that she was going to be in a live call, kicking off something called the “Inner Mean Girl Cleanse” – a 40 day free movement/support group, to replace our self-sabotaging habits with empowering, self-love messages to inspire us to be great!
What’s the downside to this, I thought? There isn’t one! So I signed up. On the day of the call I was off work, but when the time came to call in and be a part of the first group online (via the conference call & Twitter), I balked. I was feeling grumpy and shy, and didn’t want to hear gushing positive messages, because they were so vastly different from what I was feeling at that moment.
I ended up looking at some of the tweets later, and reading a few blog posts from other participants, and downloaded the call with SARK. I listened to the first half of it, but paused it at the point where they asked everyone to stand up and make a pledge. I told myself that I was getting up just for a minute, to get a drink & something to eat, but once I left my room, I didn’t go back to it for awhile. I wasn’t feeling ready to make that pledge, even alone in my room, where no one else would be witness to it. I wasn’t feeling strong enough, confident enough in ME, to say it to myself.
I haven’t finished listening to that call, and although I’ve read more blog posts & tweets, and have joined the Facebook fan page (Inner Mean Girl Reform School) & have posted on it, I haven’t yet finished that recording, nor listened to the subsequent. I can’t quite explain what’s holding me back. It’s not that I’m too busy (although I have some changes going on in my life), or that I don’t want to hear what they have to say…
It’s something not yet palpable. Something akin to fear. Like, if I let go of all of the things that have been holding me back, if I accept these new ideas, and then I have another failure? Then I’ll have failed at being positive & empowering to myself. That it’s easier to sit back & not try, then to try & do something different from what I’ve been doing for years, and maybe succeed.
It’s not a pleasant realization, to look at the things holding us back, and admit that it’s not external forces, it’s not some big bad “other” – it’s us. It’s me.