Inner Mean Girl Cleanse, part the first

One of my favorite authors is SARK. I found a poster by her in a book store my freshman year at Purdue, and it was instant love. I own most (maybe all) of her books, and recommend them to people often. I love her liberal use of color, that she has a joyful handwriting style, and she’s willing to put herself out there, sharing her successes and failures, her fears and frustrations, as well as her uplifting stories.

So a few weeks ago, in her newsletter, I read that she was going to be in a live call, kicking off something called the “Inner Mean Girl Cleanse” – a 40 day free movement/support group, to replace our self-sabotaging habits with empowering, self-love messages to inspire us to be great!

What’s the downside to this, I thought? There isn’t one! So I signed up. On the day of the call I was off work, but when the time came to call in and be a part of the first group online (via the conference call & Twitter), I balked. I was feeling grumpy and shy, and didn’t want to hear gushing positive messages, because they were so vastly different from what I was feeling at that moment.

I ended up looking at some of the tweets later, and reading a few blog posts from other participants, and downloaded the call with SARK. I listened to the first half of it, but paused it at the point where they asked everyone to stand up and make a pledge. I told myself that I was getting up just for a minute, to get a drink & something to eat, but once I left my room, I didn’t go back to it for awhile. I wasn’t feeling ready to make that pledge, even alone in my room, where no one else would be witness to it. I wasn’t feeling strong enough, confident enough in ME, to say it to myself.

I haven’t finished listening to that call, and although I’ve read more blog posts & tweets, and have joined the Facebook fan page (Inner Mean Girl Reform School) & have posted on it, I haven’t yet finished that recording, nor listened to the subsequent. I can’t quite explain what’s holding me back. It’s not that I’m too busy (although I have some changes going on in my life), or that I don’t want to hear what they have to say…

It’s something not yet palpable. Something akin to fear. Like, if I let go of all of the things that have been holding me back, if I accept these new ideas, and then I have another failure? Then I’ll have failed at being positive & empowering to myself. That it’s easier to sit back & not try, then to try & do something different from what I’ve been doing for years, and maybe succeed.

It’s not a pleasant realization, to look at the things holding us back, and admit that it’s not external forces, it’s not some big bad “other” – it’s us. It’s me.

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About Bevin

I grew up reading stories of all kinds, but the fantasy genre has long been a favorite. Whether it's knights and sorcerors, Jedis or Browncoats, I love them all. I wanted to find my own secret passage to Narnia, study with the Heralds of Valdemar, or become a member of the elven wolfrider pack. I'm sure it was no surprise to my parents that when I discovered there was a club at my college dedicated to medieval life, I'd join. They likely didn't expect that 15 years later, I am still an active member. I acquired the nickname "Bevin the SnarlingBadger" from a friend in the Society for Creative Anachronism, an international not-for-profit educational organization which focuses on studying aspects of medieval life through first-person, hands-on research and practice. Yes, for some that means strapping on armor & practicing combat. For others it means studying a particular culture and time period, developing a "slice of life" persona. For me it means exploring arts & sciences, dressing up in pretty gowns, hanging out with other people who enjoy doing things the "hard way." Outside of the SCA, I'm passionate about animal rights & pet nutrition (and I'm trying to convince myself to eat healthier too), I love movies, audiobooks, tv (Netflix and Hulu are frequent accompaniment for craft-time), crochet, handspinning... I've also been playing Star Wars: The Old Republic, since I was invited to participate in beta testing. I love the immersive quality of the game, and play primarily to watch the stories develop. So, this is a bit of me. There's more. Thanks for stopping by!
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