Paralyzed by Should

I have been thinking off & on that I should be writing more here. Or doing more social marketing for the pet care business I contract with. Or cleaning the house. Or saving more ($). Or purging more (there are lots of “things” in boxes that could likely be rehomed)…

You get the idea.

It’s difficult to be in the now when your Inner Mean Girl is whispering in your ear “You’re wasting time crocheting when you should be writing another pet care post?” or “You have all those crochet projects lying about unfinished, shouldn’t you finish one of them, instead of starting something else?” or “You really should work on being nicer to your roommates, even if they drive you batty. You should just look past the things they do, and be the better person.”

Should should should… It’s relentless, draining, and when my Inner Mean Girl wins, when I believe the things she tells me, I end up retreating, and forgetting the things that I have accomplished, the steps I’ve taken, and that it’s okay to decide how and when I spend the time allotted to me.

I got behind on the 40 day cleanse, and IMG jumped right in, making me feel worse, by reminding me of past failures, and laughing at me for not sticking with the schedule. The farther behind I got, the worse I felt, and the louder it seemed that IMG (I think her name is Imogene) was speaking to me.

I read a few blog entries from other participants, but instead of feeling inspired, Imogene compared me to them, and told me every way that I don’t measure up.

That other women my age are married, have children, successful jobs, and are better at being happy.

It feels like as soon as I start to feel good about one thing, Imogene finds a number of other things to bring me back down, so that I end up feeling worse than I did before that success.

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About Bevin

I grew up reading stories of all kinds, but the fantasy genre has long been a favorite. Whether it's knights and sorcerors, Jedis or Browncoats, I love them all. I wanted to find my own secret passage to Narnia, study with the Heralds of Valdemar, or become a member of the elven wolfrider pack. I'm sure it was no surprise to my parents that when I discovered there was a club at my college dedicated to medieval life, I'd join. They likely didn't expect that 15 years later, I am still an active member. I acquired the nickname "Bevin the SnarlingBadger" from a friend in the Society for Creative Anachronism, an international not-for-profit educational organization which focuses on studying aspects of medieval life through first-person, hands-on research and practice. Yes, for some that means strapping on armor & practicing combat. For others it means studying a particular culture and time period, developing a "slice of life" persona. For me it means exploring arts & sciences, dressing up in pretty gowns, hanging out with other people who enjoy doing things the "hard way." Outside of the SCA, I'm passionate about animal rights & pet nutrition (and I'm trying to convince myself to eat healthier too), I love movies, audiobooks, tv (Netflix and Hulu are frequent accompaniment for craft-time), crochet, handspinning... I've also been playing Star Wars: The Old Republic, since I was invited to participate in beta testing. I love the immersive quality of the game, and play primarily to watch the stories develop. So, this is a bit of me. There's more. Thanks for stopping by!
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