On social contracts…

I am growing to hate the casual invite, or “Hey, we should do something on day X.” Because lately, whenever someone suggests it, and I agree, in my mind, it becomes a thing, and I look forward to it. And then it doesn’t happen. Twice in the past week.

And because I’m feeling lonely, it feeds my feeling (despite logically knowing that it’s not true) that, aside from my family, no one would really notice if I were gone. I mean sure, there’d be an initial “Oh, we have to fill this work/housing slot” … but after that? My inner mean girl (who I decided awhile back should be named IMoGene – see what I did there?) goes onto a repeat cycle that since I no longer have an inner circle, people would just go along as they do most days, and not even think about the fact that they haven’t heard from me.

I’m not feeling suicidal. I don’t want to do harm to myself.

But I know these feelings aren’t good, and I need to get it outside of myself, at least a little.

I’m really not looking for responses on here. My social media cred is okay.

It’s my unplugged self that’s feeling unloved.

So if you feel moved to do something, invest some real time in me.


About Bevin

I grew up reading stories of all kinds, but the fantasy genre has long been a favorite. Whether it's knights and sorcerors, Jedis or Browncoats, I love them all. I wanted to find my own secret passage to Narnia, study with the Heralds of Valdemar, or become a member of the elven wolfrider pack. I'm sure it was no surprise to my parents that when I discovered there was a club at my college dedicated to medieval life, I'd join. They likely didn't expect that 15 years later, I am still an active member. I acquired the nickname "Bevin the SnarlingBadger" from a friend in the Society for Creative Anachronism, an international not-for-profit educational organization which focuses on studying aspects of medieval life through first-person, hands-on research and practice. Yes, for some that means strapping on armor & practicing combat. For others it means studying a particular culture and time period, developing a "slice of life" persona. For me it means exploring arts & sciences, dressing up in pretty gowns, hanging out with other people who enjoy doing things the "hard way." Outside of the SCA, I'm passionate about animal rights & pet nutrition (and I'm trying to convince myself to eat healthier too), I love movies, audiobooks, tv (Netflix and Hulu are frequent accompaniment for craft-time), crochet, handspinning... I've also been playing Star Wars: The Old Republic, since I was invited to participate in beta testing. I love the immersive quality of the game, and play primarily to watch the stories develop. So, this is a bit of me. There's more. Thanks for stopping by!
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